dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
