OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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