We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
