Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
