I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
