i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
