everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Randomize
