There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize