It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
