I hate all girls vehemently.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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