a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
