the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
