he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
