Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
