No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
