my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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