My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
