My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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