One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
