Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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