his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Randomize