Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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