Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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