Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
