she looked like the bat from fern gully.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
