His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
