I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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