Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
