The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
