My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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