yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
