The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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