I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
