she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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