I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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