i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize