Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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