yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
