When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
