he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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