i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
