the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
this hospital has no fireball
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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