dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
