she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
