do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
