Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize