She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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