I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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