Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
