im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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