Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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