when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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