I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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