he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
