i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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