I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
