So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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